Public transport in Germany

When you tell people that you are moving to Germany, they’ll inevitably wax lyrical about the German infrastructure - regardless of whether they have actually experienced it. If your interlocutor happens to be a Londoner, they’ll fall upon their knees and beg you to take them in your hand luggage.

So, obviously, I was quite looking forward to acquainting myself with the pride of Europe: The Berlin metro system.

And so, it was, as I stepped onto the platform of Shönefield Station, it was with some enthusiasm. Gone was the sleep deprivation, travel tiredness, and general trepidation at navigating myself about a strange city – I was consumed by the thrill known only to deranged train spotters.

So there, on Gleis 1, was the train that, I hoped, was going to take me to my destination. And, do you know what, within twenty minutes, it did just that. Without fuss or delay. Effortless transportation.

Like most flagship German institutions, it’s hard to remark on just how remarkable they are.

It’s efficient, but essentially boring. Which is exactly how it should be. In London, where the mass transit system is dysfunctional and sweaty, the only topic of conversation is the Tube.

However, the real shock was my discovering that no one was one the trains. And, if they were, it was relatively quiet, and you almost always could find a seat.

Even riding the S-Bahn through the centre of town during rush hour saw a relative sparseness – there’s no desperate climbing over other passengers here. There’s even enough room to enjoy a beer. Which is an activity that Berliners heartily indulge in – the reason for this will become clear.

Yet, this quietness is puzzling. I have pondered as to why this is the case. The trains are shorter and their carriages narrower than their London counterparts. Various theories have been put to me: the trains are very frequent; the bus service is good, etc. etc.

The truth is this: 20% of Berliners are unemployed. Rush hour is quiet because there’s bugger all people going to work at the morning. Now, the first service just after those lazy buggers have rolled out of their pit, however…