How to connect with Germans

The British probably consider the Germans their closest friends in Europe. The Scandinavians are boring, the Mediterraneans are bonkers and the French come from France.

But the Germans hold a special place in our hearts. They like sausage and beer. So do we. They like football hooliganism. So do we. They also enjoy a large section of society that sits about, drinking at all hours, contributing nothing but strong opinions and hearty odours. Which is excellent; these are all things we can relate to.

They also achieve feats that the British can only dream of. The transport system works: respect. The donor kebabs don’t poison you: respect. Their politicians never force you to endure their perfect, wretched little families: respect.

So, it was with these shared bonds, that one can easily engage in cultural diplomacy.

If you are seeking to forge a relationship with a German, you might consider using the following areas of shared experience:

1) Ask them what colour they turn when they take their shirts off whilst drinking lagers during a barbeque. I bet it’ll be the same colour as you, matey.

2) Ask them how they feel when they witness a fellow citizen, contravene the rules slightly when you have obeyed the clearly visible signs perfectly. (Although the Germans tend to be a little more militant on this one. They are liable to send photographic or video evidence of the observed misdemeanour to the relevant authorities; whereas the Brits will just bleat on about it for days.)

3) Ask them what they think of random people approaching them in the street. “They’re mad, or after something, in any case, I quicken my pace and slither off.” It’s just like being in London again, isn’t it?

4) What’s the maximum acceptable size for a sausage? A German simply won’t understand this question. Thus earning your admiration and esteem.

5) Lastly, ask them their opinion of noisy people. This is fertile ground when communing with the Germans. They’ll probably forget themselves here and launch upon a lengthy diatribe on “those noisy buggers”, whereupon it’s easy to join in with an occasional “Yeah” or a “Really? That’s terrible”. After the tirade is finished, and unbreakable bond between the nations is forged.